A conversation: Or, being loved and being mad 2013


I want to tell you what is wrong but words are so flat and two-dimensional and no matter how much I try to explain and describe what goes on in my head it never makes sense to anyone
I don’t even know how to shape it or say it or metaphor or anything
Trying to do so makes me want to laugh because my brain has no way of dealing with it, no reaction to what I feel, no recognisable emotion.
I keep going to people to get them to understand to help or to understand but it’s never there, I can describe all the other things all the symptoms and the side-affects but that one thing that really gets to me it never comes up and is never seen or described and I feel very, very broken.
I don’t like looking at the world and I like being close to you because you shut it all out, the dark shuts it out and I’d go lie down but then I’d not have anything to distract from the things in my head and they’d play over and over and over and over again and get louder and hotter and more pressing until I just want to claw my own brains out
I simultaneously want to exist and don’t because it just taints everything I see and do and feel
There’s a barrier between me and everyone else and I don’t know what it is, I can’t figure out what this thing is that makes me react differently, why I don’t understand or why they don’t understand or why it happens or why I feel like this and I don’t know what to do or who to tell or how
Everything that comes out of my mouth when I talk about these things feels like a lie so I’m typing it because typing it stays true, the moment I hear it it’s fucked.
I love you, you know.


I love you too, with all of me. No matter what you think or feel, I love you, Chanel.


How are they going to fix it if they don’t even know it’s going on?
If I can’t tell them what it is how will they know? I’m going to be locked inside like this forever unless someone has a;lijgsigjsjkg enough to know anyway and I don’t trust anyone enough to believe them.


Trust me. Over time, through typing, verbal or image. We’ll get through it together. And if needed, ill be your voice if or when the time comes.


I feel like if I speak or look at you or do anything then all this will suddenly be un-true.
I feel okay though, I needed to say all that and now I want to do something else but I’m kinda a little bit stuck.


How about we go lay in bed, you can look the other way and I’ll comfort and snuggle you.


Fidgety, nothing to do in bed. Wanna game instead?


Sure, what game


Or portal
Or something like that


Suck some blood dolls ;0)


Okay. Can talk through Steam too.




And thankyou for this. I am glad you understand.


Anything for you, anytime, my love.


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