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Am I the only queer girl who didn’t experience dread and fear the moment I realised I liked other girls?

I’ve been through my fair share of bullying and all that other bullshit, but it never, ever made me feel like I was ‘other’. My family was wholly accepting, though I can’t say that coming out/being outed didn’t come with its collection of “it’s just a phase” and “it will make you miserable” lectures from certain family members.

I read these stories from gay girls around the planet and hear how they suffer and experience all that outcast misery… And I never felt any of that, even when what I experienced matches what they experienced. Is it a different outlook? Am I somehow more emotionally stable? Was I just in a better environment or headspace?

 

The worst thing for me, I think, being queer… Is that I feel I don’t deserve to be, because I never suffered for it. How messed up is that? I feel like I should be straight because my life being queer has been easier than my life before I came out.

Am I hardcore, gold-star lesbian? No.

Am I bi? No.

I’m just queer. I’m as homogay as every other queer kid I’ve met. A different variation sometimes, but no less infected with teh ghey.

My struggle with being queer is not that I feel I don’t belong in society. I’m aware that I’m different to others in some way, but I’m different to everyone in some way. You like boys? That’s cool. I like chicken and you’re a vegan? That’s cool too. You have blue eyes, and I have green. You’re left handed and I’m right handed. Our freckles are not perfectly aligned!
Differences. There is no person on this earth who is identical to another person on this earth. Even twins have differing personalities.
My issues with being queer stem from the concept that I’m not truly queer unless I’ve felt wrong at some point, and I never have. I know I’m exactly what I am supposed to be… and that is what makes me feel wrong.

 

Bit of a catch 22, I think.

 

(Post Script: I just wanna say that in no way do I think GLBT people should suffer. The fact that everyone I know with a queer streak has experienced something heartbreaking is distressing and entirely wrong. No one should be harassed for their sexual or gender orientation… I’m just commenting on the fact it’s become a sort of initiation into the ranks, y’know? Without meaning to giggle at obvious trauma, it’s a sort of bonding conversation piece. “Oh hi, you’re queer too? Lets share coming out stories and talk about all the horrible things that happened to us.”)

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2 responses »

  1. I feel the same sometimes. Like I didn’t earn my sexuality. I never had some big coming out drama (though I came out BECAUSE of drama). I realise now that as a child I liked girls the same as boys, then it went dormant as ‘boy+girl’ society raised me. But when it occurred to me as a teenager, I wasn’t upset or sad. I was just “Hey, I’m really into her.” then my first ever relationship, which was with a girl, happened completely by accident. The relationship wasn’t easy on me, but accepting who I was was fine. I came out to my mum because she wanted to know why I was crying, I told her my heart was broken, she asked who and I told her. She just hugged me until I felt better and I honestly think it would have been the same if I’d said a boy’s name. I told my father and he was awkward about it, but didn’t care. In fact now most of my family knows and they haven’t changed. Last year I told my very old fashioned grandmother. She was surprised, but didn’t mind (I think me being with a boy now helped). Still building up the balls to tell my Christian grandparents though.

  2. I haven’t had a wholly miserable experience as a pansexual woman, even when in my mid-teens when I identified as a lesbian. It never felt like something “wrong”, though it has (and sometimes still does) felt like something I should hide from others. And I’m super shy around women. 😦

    From when I was about 9 or so I realised that I liked girls somewhat “differently” than most of my friends. While they were making comments about how cute some of the male pop culture icons were, I made comments about the female ones. I received some weird looks. A lot of weird looks actually, but no-one really gave me a hard time about it. I stopped making those kinds of comments anyway, because it was obviously “weird” and I was having a hard enough time with bullying (for different reasons) without having yet another way to look odd.

    I was a little thick though, and it was a teenager before I really realised the implications of my interest. Actually, I think nearly everyone in my year at school thought I was a lesbian before it really sunk in. This was not a huge problem, I just had a lot of people asking if I was a lesbian (when I think about it, homophobia seemed conspicuously absent amongst kids in my year). I actually took a girl to my school ball in Year 12, as my date, and received no harassment whatsoever. Insane luck.

    I did agonise over coming out, to some extent. I barely considered the consequences of taking a female date to my school ball at the time, but I was terrified of what my mum would say… and I still haven’t come out to my grandparents, 9 years after nearly everyone else knowing and freely sharing my sexual preference practically everywhere on the Internet. My grandmother would freak out! My poorly thought out plan is to never say anything and they can find out indirectly or when I introduce a hypothetical future girlfriend to them. >_>

    So… I guess you’re not the only one. 🙂

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