One foot through the door.

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Sometimes I wish I were either straight or lesbian, so I wouldn’t keep feeling like no matter what I do, I’m giving up on part of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, Jai is not the problem. I love my fiance. I am happy to give up the world just to have him, he gives me meaning and softens my soul. He is my heart and humanity, and my life would be horrible without him. He’s my strength and peace and sense of self control. He’s my companion.

The problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Or rather, not so much a greener green but a lush field of a different colour, something tempting and just as beautiful as where I stand now, only with different qualities. The grass on this side adds +5 to constitution, while the grass on that side is +5 to dexterity. I can only pick one, but without the other, I am lacking.

Most of the time it doesn’t bother me. I can deal with my own choices, I can even be happy in them. Somtimes it creeps to the forefront of my mind and sits there, like a toad, croaking comments like “You could have had that.” or “Don’t you think you belong there more?” and I am unfortunately inclined to listen. It’s easy to believe it. I am aware that I’m caught between worlds, I belong neither here nor there. Or perhaps I belong in both.

Polyamory makes sense to me, but the world doesn’t accept that at the moment. (Polyamort in the sense of multiple closed relationships. Not swinging, not an open relationship.) I can’t marry Jai and have a girl to bring home to my parents. If there’s anything worse than being torn in two, it’s knowing that people think you’re living a lie, playing marriage, belittling love. I don’t personally believe that, I believe it’s a way of making a person whole.

I hope that there is a point in my life where I become comfortable with this feeling. When it all settles, and I stop thinking that I’m denying half of myself. Understand that I don’t want to be alright with this. I’m very passionate about who I am, but a sense of self-preservation makes it a necessity.

When will all this be… okay?

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