Short post, I hope.
I’ve been thinking for a few hours. Not that I ever really stop- I’m constantly thinking- but recently I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from my spiritual thoughts and studies. I was getting too confused by what I believed, what I didn’t believe, what I wanted to practice and what was just ballast. I just dropped everything, stopped everything, and lived life without thinking about it for a while.
Like most things important to me, however, it started to creep back, and today pounced on me like a fully grown tiger. It was heavy, and lush, and loaded with points that could hurt if I wasn’t careful. It was colourful and it took all of my attention. I have to admit, I’m thrilled that the interest and passion is back. What I’m not thrilled about is the all-new confusion it’s brought with it.
My focus has changed. I’ve taken more of a fondness for Frigga than Freyja, feeling more in common with her than my other beloved goddess. The two have been a troubling subject for me since I first started studying, due to the debates about whether they were technically the same person. I don’t see them as the same person, but more like family, with similarities and differences but some enigmatic same-ness binding them together. I grappled with my beliefs and decided to stick to Freyja, thinking that I couldn’t combine the two, and that Frigga just wasn’t right for me.
I’m not entirely sure what to think of this change. I know some of it has had to do with my current living conditions. I’ve become a sort of assistant house-mother while the real mother is away for months at a time, cleaning and organising and watching over Jai and his sister, and her flock of friends and lovers. People are drawn to this house in times of need, and what Jai’s mother did for them, we three now share. I’ve felt more motherly over the past month or two than I ever have in my life.
The problem is that this is temporary. She will come back and take over again, and I’ll be back to where I was before. I imagine when she takes off for months again, I’ll feel like this. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t believe one can be fickle with gods. They generally don’t like it when you have their names on your lips and offerings in your hands one week, and then nothing the following week when you turn to someone who suits you more. I don’t believe they aren’t the jealous kind. I think they are hard working and expectant of loyalty, and difficult to please. Everyday people are that difficult. There’s no reason for gods to be any different, and certainly not any easier. Especially the norse gods.
I don’t know what to do or think. I’ve asked for a sign. I believe in signs, I know that much. I think all I can do is wait, either for them to lend a hand, or for my mind to make itself up. Of course, your advice and comments are welcome, hell, even pleaded for. Help me work out this mess, please. I’d appreciate it.